[Because half of his job is dodging questions and distracting.]
I don't want to contract with a stranger, obviously, so yes, I would like to renew my contract with Aspen when the time comes but again if he doesn't want to it won't matter. I'm sure Syeira would step in, if it came down to it.
I'm sure she would, but I think you should still let Aspen know you'd like to contract with him. He sometimes gets sidetracked in making sure what's best for his partner, too, and prioritizing their wants above his own. So if he gets the idea that you don't want to contract with him...
Considering how often Ja'far tosses the title at me, I'm going with the assumption that they go hand in hand. Affectionately, of course.
So you're telling me that I'm going to have to step in when you two want the same exact thing but are trying not to pressure the other one into admitting it anyway.
And this STILL doesn't answer what makes you think you aren't already part of our little number.
You know, normally when people hound me like this it's face to face. You're lucky I haven't just ended this conversation, but I imagine you wouldn't care if I did and we'd be having it later anyway.
[Another sigh.]
Do you genuinely want to know, Sinbad, or is this the usual sort of "a friend is being down on themselves and it's polite to talk them out of it" nonsense?
[His familiar is so easily bribed. Why is this his life.
But Jun sighs and there's a moment where he's collecting his thoughts before he speaks again, tone very businesslike and detached.]
Other than the fact that, out of everyone in our little circle, I am the newest one? Two reasons. The first is I am the one who no one knows much about, though I will admit that is my choice and not because no one has tried. The flash and extravagance is a distraction, and one I've had nearly eighteen years to perfect. It's remarkably easy to change the topic of conversation without anyone realizing that's what I've done and why I've done it, especially for a high-ranking member of the Zhentarim like me.
[If Sinbad asks, he'll explain who the Zhentarim are.]
People have called me cold since my first few customers in Bryn Shander, since I never talk about myself. I'll talk about my family as long as you'll let me, but myself? [He snorts.] I'm a terrible topic of conversation, Sinbad. There are much better kitsune to talk about than an old fox saved by an archfey to save the Summer Court as their pet warlock. I adore my patron and could not have asked for a kinder archfey to be sworn to, but I know what I am to her: a political tool, albeit one with a destiny that benefits everyone. And I know what this means for the people I am close to. It means danger, Sinbad. My son was nearly lost to me because the Winter Court decided to try and take his soul. His mother will likely be lost to us because she made a deal with the Winter Court and broke it. My traveling companions--one of whom is a seventeen year old boy and the other someone I consider a friend--were put at risk because of their proximity to me and were only saved because I asked Bloom for a favor that she was wonderful enough to grant.
[Another pause. He needed to drink.]
The second reason is I am not a good person, Sinbad. I try to be kind, and I try to be considerate, but the goals of the Zhentarim are to make the entire Moonsea and beyond dependent on us. To that aim, I have helped ruin families. I have helped rig elections. Information I have gathered or passed on has likely been used to orchestrate assassinations, though I couldn't say for certain. And I joined them because I was bored, because being a courtesan could only entertain me so much and this gave me something else to do with my time. And I brought my sister into the organization and I've invited my son and I have no intentions on leaving the Network, because that would be boring.
[Another, slightly longer pause to let Sinbad process all of that.]
The reason I am not part of your little number, Sinbad, is because I do not deserve to be. I know this. Nobody wants an old fox running around, mucking up their happiness and putting them at risk. Even if the Winter Court can't reach us here, the fact that I have white hair now proves that fey magic does cross the planar boundary. All it would take is a warlock in their service to arrive in the city and everyone near me would be at risk.
[A shaky breath, and the businesslike tone slips ever so slightly.]
And Aspen deserves better than an archfey's pet who threw himself in with the Zhentarim not because he believed in their goals but because he was bored, who fell in love with the first customer he ever took to bed and put her at risk by not taking the precautions he should have, even if it did result in my wonderful son. He has you and Ja'far. He doesn't need me.
[ Sinbad remains quiet as Jun spills out all of that information, assessing what he says - and what he doesn't. There's so much layered in there - some of which he's certain Jun probably didn't intend to share, but Sinbad's always been good at reading between the lines. And even more, at reading people.
When he finishes, he still sits there quietly for a moment before speaking in reply. ]
First of all, Aspen is the only one who decides what he deserves and what he needs - and what's more, what he wants. You carry a great deal of guilt for the mistakes you've made and the deeds you've carried out, but all of us do. Who do you think we are, Jun? All three of us have pasts that are dark and troubled. Hell, Ja'far was an assassin, and I.... [ He pauses before giving a quiet sigh. ] My ambitions might be the most dangerous threat my world has ever faced.
What makes someone a 'good' person? That you try to be kind and considerate speaks well for you in itself, Jun, but I can't say the rest of us are any different. I have put people at risk just by being me as well - and I'd wager far more than you can claim. Being near me is no safe bet, either.
So far, none of this discourages me from wanting to have you near, as one of us.
[A moment. Jun's voice is still a bit shaky when he speaks.]
Guilt implies regret, Sinbad. I very rarely regret my choices--someone has to make them, and it might as well be me.
[He's not going to explain what he means by that, even if Sinbad asks.]
And it's not even that my past is troubled. With the exception of only surviving birth in exchange for being signed away as a baby to Bloom, my youth was, for the most part, idyllic. Bloom left me alone until I was seventeen and an adult. I am simply that sort of man, Sinbad.
[A pause, and then he sighs.]
And men--animals like me don't get what they want. We're not living a faerie tale.
[ The words are swift and fierce, coming immediately after Jun says that, and there's just as much conviction in his tone now as when he'd said those same words to Aspen. ]
You are a person - just like me, just like Aspen - with emotions and hopes and fears and longing and everything else. We might not be living in a faerie tale, Jun, but that doesn't mean you can't have what you want.
It doesn't mean that those who care for you won't go to great lengths to see that you do receive what you want. because we want to give it to you.
But it does. And I appreciate what you're trying to say, Sinbad, but that doesn't change anything. I never get what I want. I never have. I've accepted that I never will.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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Are you not planning on renewing it with him?
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Then you haven't been paying attention to how Aspen does things.
Do you want to renew with Aspen?
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[So yes, he'd like to.]
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[ Why is getting a straight answer out of you like pulling teeth? ]
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I don't want to contract with a stranger, obviously, so yes, I would like to renew my contract with Aspen when the time comes but again if he doesn't want to it won't matter. I'm sure Syeira would step in, if it came down to it.
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I'm sure she would, but I think you should still let Aspen know you'd like to contract with him. He sometimes gets sidetracked in making sure what's best for his partner, too, and prioritizing their wants above his own. So if he gets the idea that you don't want to contract with him...
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[ There's a long pause at that before Sinbad huffs out an exasperated breath. ]
You're both a pair of stubborn idiots, I hope you realize that.
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So you're telling me that I'm going to have to step in when you two want the same exact thing but are trying not to pressure the other one into admitting it anyway.
And this STILL doesn't answer what makes you think you aren't already part of our little number.
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You know, normally when people hound me like this it's face to face. You're lucky I haven't just ended this conversation, but I imagine you wouldn't care if I did and we'd be having it later anyway.
[Another sigh.]
Do you genuinely want to know, Sinbad, or is this the usual sort of "a friend is being down on themselves and it's polite to talk them out of it" nonsense?
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I want to know your thoughts, Jun. I want to understand why you'd think this, when I feel so differently about it.
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But Jun sighs and there's a moment where he's collecting his thoughts before he speaks again, tone very businesslike and detached.]
Other than the fact that, out of everyone in our little circle, I am the newest one? Two reasons. The first is I am the one who no one knows much about, though I will admit that is my choice and not because no one has tried. The flash and extravagance is a distraction, and one I've had nearly eighteen years to perfect. It's remarkably easy to change the topic of conversation without anyone realizing that's what I've done and why I've done it, especially for a high-ranking member of the Zhentarim like me.
[If Sinbad asks, he'll explain who the Zhentarim are.]
People have called me cold since my first few customers in Bryn Shander, since I never talk about myself. I'll talk about my family as long as you'll let me, but myself? [He snorts.] I'm a terrible topic of conversation, Sinbad. There are much better kitsune to talk about than an old fox saved by an archfey to save the Summer Court as their pet warlock. I adore my patron and could not have asked for a kinder archfey to be sworn to, but I know what I am to her: a political tool, albeit one with a destiny that benefits everyone. And I know what this means for the people I am close to. It means danger, Sinbad. My son was nearly lost to me because the Winter Court decided to try and take his soul. His mother will likely be lost to us because she made a deal with the Winter Court and broke it. My traveling companions--one of whom is a seventeen year old boy and the other someone I consider a friend--were put at risk because of their proximity to me and were only saved because I asked Bloom for a favor that she was wonderful enough to grant.
[Another pause. He needed to drink.]
The second reason is I am not a good person, Sinbad. I try to be kind, and I try to be considerate, but the goals of the Zhentarim are to make the entire Moonsea and beyond dependent on us. To that aim, I have helped ruin families. I have helped rig elections. Information I have gathered or passed on has likely been used to orchestrate assassinations, though I couldn't say for certain. And I joined them because I was bored, because being a courtesan could only entertain me so much and this gave me something else to do with my time. And I brought my sister into the organization and I've invited my son and I have no intentions on leaving the Network, because that would be boring.
[Another, slightly longer pause to let Sinbad process all of that.]
The reason I am not part of your little number, Sinbad, is because I do not deserve to be. I know this. Nobody wants an old fox running around, mucking up their happiness and putting them at risk. Even if the Winter Court can't reach us here, the fact that I have white hair now proves that fey magic does cross the planar boundary. All it would take is a warlock in their service to arrive in the city and everyone near me would be at risk.
[A shaky breath, and the businesslike tone slips ever so slightly.]
And Aspen deserves better than an archfey's pet who threw himself in with the Zhentarim not because he believed in their goals but because he was bored, who fell in love with the first customer he ever took to bed and put her at risk by not taking the precautions he should have, even if it did result in my wonderful son. He has you and Ja'far. He doesn't need me.
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When he finishes, he still sits there quietly for a moment before speaking in reply. ]
First of all, Aspen is the only one who decides what he deserves and what he needs - and what's more, what he wants. You carry a great deal of guilt for the mistakes you've made and the deeds you've carried out, but all of us do. Who do you think we are, Jun? All three of us have pasts that are dark and troubled. Hell, Ja'far was an assassin, and I.... [ He pauses before giving a quiet sigh. ] My ambitions might be the most dangerous threat my world has ever faced.
What makes someone a 'good' person? That you try to be kind and considerate speaks well for you in itself, Jun, but I can't say the rest of us are any different. I have put people at risk just by being me as well - and I'd wager far more than you can claim. Being near me is no safe bet, either.
So far, none of this discourages me from wanting to have you near, as one of us.
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Guilt implies regret, Sinbad. I very rarely regret my choices--someone has to make them, and it might as well be me.
[He's not going to explain what he means by that, even if Sinbad asks.]
And it's not even that my past is troubled. With the exception of only surviving birth in exchange for being signed away as a baby to Bloom, my youth was, for the most part, idyllic. Bloom left me alone until I was seventeen and an adult. I am simply that sort of man, Sinbad.
[A pause, and then he sighs.]
And men--animals like me don't get what they want. We're not living a faerie tale.
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[ The words are swift and fierce, coming immediately after Jun says that, and there's just as much conviction in his tone now as when he'd said those same words to Aspen. ]
You are a person - just like me, just like Aspen - with emotions and hopes and fears and longing and everything else. We might not be living in a faerie tale, Jun, but that doesn't mean you can't have what you want.
It doesn't mean that those who care for you won't go to great lengths to see that you do receive what you want. because we want to give it to you.
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But it does. And I appreciate what you're trying to say, Sinbad, but that doesn't change anything. I never get what I want. I never have. I've accepted that I never will.
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Then I'm going to very much enjoy proving you wrong.
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Oh, please do. That'd be a first.
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[ There's fond amusement in his voice at that, and he certainly sounds confident in his chances. ]
But either way, I owe you a great deal of thanks for your little.... 'intervention' with Ja'far. I will have to show you my appreciation.
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